H is for "Humility"

We're all wrong at some point it in time. And even when we aren't, the stability in our marriage isn't worth losing just to be right.

I'm one of those people who spends a lot of time at work providing proof and evidence for things. I have an audience that always asks "Why?" and expects answers. So, not only is it my personality to keep at it until the other person sees what I'm trying to say, it's been ingrained in me over the years.

That doesn't make it the right strategy for my marriage, however. And I'm getting better at biting my tongue and weighing the importance of my battles. My pride has gotten in the way more often than not with my husband, so I'm learning to be humble. I'm learning to apologize, meaningfully. Not my normal mumbled, "...sorry..." Instead, "I'm sorry for _______________. It must have ______________. You are important to me, and what I did doesn't show that. So...I'm really sorry." By apologizing for something specific and explaining why, I think it seems more authentic. It also validates the other person's feelings more.

I've heard people offer up apologies like, "I'm sorry my words made you feel that way." That's another way to apologize, that doesn't necessarily force you to admit that you are wrong. Sometimes you aren't. But, the way we deal with each other can be wrong. And if an apology, of any type, is the way to avoid a fight or hurting your spouse, then it's probably the right avenue.

I've been trying new techniques when we have disagreements. And I suspect that the apology is one tool that will come in handier than most. We are both proud people. And we both like to be right, which is part of our problem.

Apologizing really is a lot easier than some of us make it. There doesn't need to be admission of guilt or blame. There just has to be a strong element of honesty and sincerity. An apology shows that you care more about the person than the argument. Sometimes, I think we need to remind ourselves of that.

G is for "Gratitude"

There have been days in my marriage when I have been unable to find a grateful bone in my own body...days when nothing looked good and I couldn't find a reason to keep doing what we were doing.

Somehow, love has always kept us together, even at the worst times. And sitting down with pen and paper to list out all of the things I love most about my husband has been a big component of my journey back to the marriage "living." 

It's easy to list out all the things that piss me off...all the things he doesn't do...all the things he used to be and isn't...all the things....all the things....

But when I bitch about all that stuff to my counselor, he usually sets me straight. :Even if he only contributes a little, it's more than you'd have if he wasn't there." True. And then comes the question - do you want him there? Is it more or less stressful to be married? Even at our worst, being together has provided us a partner in parenting a high maintenance child. He also cooks most nights. And, usually, he takes out the garbage. It's more than some husbands do.

I know he does more when he feels motivated by my actions. When our love life is going strong, he tends to be more industrious...willingly. So being ungrateful for the few things he continues to do when he's down is really rather counterproductive. 

Keeping a gratitude journal isn't a bad idea. Everyday, I'm grateful to be with my husband, even when it's hard, and writing down the reasons is a good way to start and end the day. So, I'm adding it to my Love Planner (yes...I'll explain that someday...soon).

Best to be grateful. Always.

F is for "Forgive"

When you're around a person for a long enough time, you're bound to do something that's going to need to be forgiven. After all, it's human to err. For some, however, forgiveness is not an easy task. Some people, like my husband, hold on to things forever.

In our marriage, he's the talker...and I'm the one who holds everything in and says I'm fine. I'm also the one who needs mass amounts of time to process things, and he wants answers yesterday. So when we argue (or downright fight) I usually end up backed into a corner. There are probably much more healthy ways for me to get out of that corner (and I'm learning them, with the help of a counselor). But my past method has just been to lash out and say something to get him off my back. The longer I was kept in the corner, the meaner my comments got.

Unfortunately, some of those comments were based in truth...things I really believed...even though I should never have said them out loud. For example, I've told him he's lazy and overweight (in the same night...and that bluntly...after hours of arguing). Really, I wanted to hurt him into leaving me alone. And it worked.

It's been almost a year since anything like that came out of my mouth. I've learned better methods of listening and controlling my temper, though I'm still not that great at getting him to do things in more round about ways.

My husband's been dealing with depression for years (before I met him). And I've been diagnosed bipolar (I'd venture to say...more cyclothymic) and have also been dealing with depression for years. And we have a tendency to really play off of (and in to) each other's moods. With a lot of effort, I've managed to go medication-free. Yoga, diet, meditation, journaling, art, and exercise have helped keep me pretty stable since February. My husband? Not so much. And when he's not happy, he falls into the same old pattern: sitting on the couch, brooding. This, of course, sets me off. Because he just sits there. And I run the household...increasingly more bitter by the day. It definitely affects my libido. And that's the part he needs to get his rear off the couch. My desire motivates him.

So you can see the problem, right? Classic, yes?

Hey, neither of us is perfect. But I can say that, I'm definitely the forgiver in the family. But, I'm also pretty capable of compartmentalizing. He's not. And for him, everything bleeds together. So if he's upset with one area of his life, all areas suck. Not easy for a depressive-type.

So, I suppose there is also a bit of "acceptance" tied into this, as well. We are who we are - faults included. And somehow, even with those, we fell in love. Two imperfect souls.

The problem is, there's been damage done. Regardless of whether it was caused intentionally, and regardless of our ability to cope or not cope...in order to keep our marriage going, we need to forgive. I'm not expecting him to forget. He can't do that. Which means I have to work harder to prove his current inner dialogue wrong. This is a time for "action," not words.

Because, he'll believe it when he sees it.

A long time ago, I read somewhere that for every negative interaction in a relationship, it takes 7 positive interactions to repair it. Yikes!

Well, I'm for the task. I love my husband. And I'm going to bat for him. I'm not waiting for him to forgive me. I'm just going to forgive him, because that's what I do. And hopefully, he won't be able to help it when I prove to him, through action, that I have what it takes to make him happy still.

When it rains...I share my umbrella with him (even when I'm angry).

E is for "Explore"

When you've been married a long time, it's easy to believe you know every thing about your spouse. And even if you don't believe that, it's easy to stop digging for new information. But, over time, we change, and we have to take time to explore each other to find out our changing needs, beliefs, and interests.

When I first started dating my husband, it was all about the questions. Our dates were filled with them."What was your childhood like?" "Were you close with your dad?" "Who was your best friend?" "Where did you travel?'

That sort of ongoing trivia-style conversation is common early in relationships, and it shows the other person that we are deeply interested in getting to know them better. We should never stop getting to know one another. We should be exploring forever.

There are other types of exploration, as well, that can be done as a couple. Travel, sex, new hobbies. Exploring each other and exploring the world together. It's a huge part of being together. I know my husband and I have sort of stalled in this area. And it's not even like either of us think we have the other all figured out. We just get stuck in a rut, I guess.

But that's about to change.

30 Naughty Questions/LovePanky.com
A List of 100 Questions to Ask Your Partner on Date Night/LifeHack.org
Keep the Sparks Flying: 1,831 Questions to Ask Your Partner on Date Night

D is for "Date"

We all get busy, and it's easy to get wrapped up in the To Do list. We both work full time and come home to cooking and housework. By the time 8:30 rolls around and the kid is in bed, both of us are pretty wiped out. By the time the weekend shows up (with soccer games and errands and home maintenance projects), we're usually just trying to make it to Monday. The best part of our weekend is sleeping in on Sunday and maybe having enough time to watch a whole movie on TV.

I'm committing to dating my spouse again, however. I found a website full of dating ideas (The Dating Divas), and I purchased their 52 Dates, Year of Dates, and Year of Intimate Dates downloads. I'm creating a book of dates from all of this and giving it to my husband for a gift, with the express wish that we begin dating again.

As the website professes, dating our spouses is imperative to keeping our connection alive. The dates don't have to be elaborate or expensive. They just have to be planned, intentional, and habitual. That one night a week to rekindle the romance, the physical connection, and the fun should be something to look forward to all week. Rather than dreading another weekend of work, if I knew I got to do something fun, and I spent all week planning it, I'd be completely revved up with expectation. The idea, also, is that we take turns planning.

Now, we're lucky. Our kiddo usually goes to a grandparent's house on Friday nights (since they all take turns picking him up from school on Fridays). So, that can easily become our date night.

Boredom is a killer in relationships. And I can honestly say, I'm bored with my marriage. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband. I'm devoted and committed. But, I'm bored. And it's just as much my fault as it is his. So, I'm taking a bit more onto myself with this whole "dating project." I'm going to plan one big date each month and one "sexy" date each month (using those awesome materials I downloaded). If it ends up being too much, I'll alternate months for those.

My husband and I have sat down a few times in our marriage and listed out activities we like to do, so we'd have something to fall back on when we got stuck in the vortex of that "What do you wanna do?" "I don't know...what do you wanna do?" conversation. But, just having a list of activities is not nearly as beneficial as actually planning out a date. Putting in the added effort to plan shows the other person that they matter...that they are special enough to devote all that thought to. I know it makes me feel important when he surprises me with something out of the ordinary.

I know I have to keep the love languages in mind here, too. Romance isn't necessarily a need for him. and "quality time" is my language...not his. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to reconnect with me or spend time with me.

I'm putting together my little "Date me?" gift this weekend. I'll keep you updated (and post pics!).

C is for "Connect"

It's easy to get caught up in the rush of everyday life, especially with a full time job and children. But, connecting with my husband is important. No...it's imperative. Every day, I have to make time to not only notice him as my husband (not just another entity in the household), but to physically connect, mentally connect, and emotionally connect with him at some point.

I don't think it has to be sexual (though for those guys like my husband whose dominant love language is physical touch, sex, sexual touch, and sexual talk need to happen on a regular basis). Always kissing goodbye (really kissing...and taking that extra little second to hug a little more deeply), kissing hello again, touching throughout the time we're home together, texting throughout the day or calling just to say hi, holding hands on the couch to watch T.V., and snuggling in bed before we go to sleep --- those are all ways to stay connected.

Off and on this year, I've felt disconnected from my husband. The fault belongs to both of us, but I'm not going to continue blaming him for closing off. I mean, he's hurt, right? He's doing what normal people do when they feel their needs aren't being met. My marriage isn't perfect right now, but I feel it has the potential to be amazing, so I'm willing to put up with things that drive me crazy while we work on the things I know we can make right more quickly.

Our emotional connection is central to our marriage. Without it, there really is no relationship. Our physical connection is the vehicle that takes us there. And the two together keep us mentally synced. The easiest thing for me to act on (because, remember---actions speak louder than words?) is physical touch. Even if I have to add it to my to-do list, it's got to happen more often.

It used to be I couldn't keep my hands to myself. I wanted to be next to him all the time. But the business of marriage and family can be hard on desire. I know I still have it, but I have a tendency to multi-task and let my mind gravitate toward things that don't matter as much as my marriage. He's even pointed out in the past that he doesn't feel as important as my job.

Basically, at the end of my life, I want to be sitting on a porch holding hands with this man. I don't want to be alone, reminiscing about the work I've done, the clean house I had, or the errands that just had to be done...All. The. Time. But my actions are sending me in the direction. Time to change that.

B is for "Believe"

Seeing the good in my marriage and in my husband is sometimes hard. It's easy to get down on it all.

He doesn't do enough around the house. He makes a mess. He isn't romantic enough.

Really, I could go on and on. But...

There's a reason I married him. And those qualities haven't gone anywhere. Some of them might be hiding right now, but they are all still right there, safe and sound inside the man I fell in love with. So taking some time to really remember why is definitely a good way to spend a few minutes every day. For example, he's thoughtful, he's loyal, he's funny, he's an attentive lover, he's sensitive, he likes to talk, he's always there for me, he's successful at work, he's trustworthy, he's protective, he's a good father, he's a dedicated family-man, he likes many of the same shows and movies that I do, he like the outdoors, he rides a motorcycle, and he's still attractive to me.

My husband can be a bit negative, and I'm not always a diva of sunshine and roses. Things get tough and it can be easy to just say, "I can't do this anymore...it isn't worth it!" And both of us have drawn that line in the sand this past year at some point, and then smudged it over the best we could when we realized we just didn't have the heart to leave.

The thing is - we love each other. Still. And I know, deep in my heart, we were meant to be amazing together. I just have to figure out how to make it happen. I have no acceptable alternative to being optimistic about this. Believing, with my entire being, that things can change. Relationships can change. And I can change.

I can be a better wife, which will draw out all of those qualities I love in my man...making him a better husband. Somewhere along the way, we lost the path, but we can forge a new one. It isn't about finding our way home. It's about creating one, right where we are.