F is for "Forgive"

When you're around a person for a long enough time, you're bound to do something that's going to need to be forgiven. After all, it's human to err. For some, however, forgiveness is not an easy task. Some people, like my husband, hold on to things forever.

In our marriage, he's the talker...and I'm the one who holds everything in and says I'm fine. I'm also the one who needs mass amounts of time to process things, and he wants answers yesterday. So when we argue (or downright fight) I usually end up backed into a corner. There are probably much more healthy ways for me to get out of that corner (and I'm learning them, with the help of a counselor). But my past method has just been to lash out and say something to get him off my back. The longer I was kept in the corner, the meaner my comments got.

Unfortunately, some of those comments were based in truth...things I really believed...even though I should never have said them out loud. For example, I've told him he's lazy and overweight (in the same night...and that bluntly...after hours of arguing). Really, I wanted to hurt him into leaving me alone. And it worked.

It's been almost a year since anything like that came out of my mouth. I've learned better methods of listening and controlling my temper, though I'm still not that great at getting him to do things in more round about ways.

My husband's been dealing with depression for years (before I met him). And I've been diagnosed bipolar (I'd venture to say...more cyclothymic) and have also been dealing with depression for years. And we have a tendency to really play off of (and in to) each other's moods. With a lot of effort, I've managed to go medication-free. Yoga, diet, meditation, journaling, art, and exercise have helped keep me pretty stable since February. My husband? Not so much. And when he's not happy, he falls into the same old pattern: sitting on the couch, brooding. This, of course, sets me off. Because he just sits there. And I run the household...increasingly more bitter by the day. It definitely affects my libido. And that's the part he needs to get his rear off the couch. My desire motivates him.

So you can see the problem, right? Classic, yes?

Hey, neither of us is perfect. But I can say that, I'm definitely the forgiver in the family. But, I'm also pretty capable of compartmentalizing. He's not. And for him, everything bleeds together. So if he's upset with one area of his life, all areas suck. Not easy for a depressive-type.

So, I suppose there is also a bit of "acceptance" tied into this, as well. We are who we are - faults included. And somehow, even with those, we fell in love. Two imperfect souls.

The problem is, there's been damage done. Regardless of whether it was caused intentionally, and regardless of our ability to cope or not cope...in order to keep our marriage going, we need to forgive. I'm not expecting him to forget. He can't do that. Which means I have to work harder to prove his current inner dialogue wrong. This is a time for "action," not words.

Because, he'll believe it when he sees it.

A long time ago, I read somewhere that for every negative interaction in a relationship, it takes 7 positive interactions to repair it. Yikes!

Well, I'm for the task. I love my husband. And I'm going to bat for him. I'm not waiting for him to forgive me. I'm just going to forgive him, because that's what I do. And hopefully, he won't be able to help it when I prove to him, through action, that I have what it takes to make him happy still.

When it rains...I share my umbrella with him (even when I'm angry).