Marriage is hard...

When I went into marriage, I wasn't under the impression that it was going to be easy. Neither of us were. We both came from "in tact" homes. Both of our parents had been married for nearly 40 years. So we were aware of the ups and downs and the amount of commitment a marriage takes.

I think where we went wrong, however, was not planning out what kind of marriage we hoped to have. We were simply in love. We wanted to be together. Forever.

We knew we wanted kids, we were older, and so we started trying right away. As a result, our family was started very early in our marriage. And we've been struggling ever since -- mainly because our "marriage vision" is not a shared vision. I don't feel supported in the home, and he doesn't feel desired.

I've struggled with low libido issues, stress, anxiety, and we've both dealt with depression. We've been to counselors, threatened divorce, planned a detailed separation (and never went through with it).

Through it all, our love has kept us here. But it hasn't kept us happy. There have been times I've considered simply staying until our son is out of high school (he's only in 4th grade). And there have been times when I've just thought, "Why? This isn't worth it." As soon as I consider walking out, though, it's only a matter of days before I feel like I'm choking with the weight of leaving a man I still love...a man whom I feel is actually my soul mate.

Then I wonder, how can being with your soul mate hurt this much? I must be wrong. He can't be my soul mate if we're this "off," this mismatched sexually, with such different visions for our marriage.

So, I want to start by considering what I want marriage to be like. It's not like I've never considered it. In fact, I've done it a dozen times in the past few years...at the behest of counselors and at the request of my husband. But doing it again is never a bad idea. Especially after all the reading and fighting and advice.

Really, I want my marriage to be my safe harbor. I want it to be about two people who are joined together to weather any storm. Two people who are there for each other and willing to support each other's dreams. I want us to be secure enough to leave the harbor, knowing the other will be there when we return from our journeys and explorations. And I want to journey and explore the wide sea together, as well.

I want fun and laughter, date nights and romance, making love and waking up to family days and holding hands.

I don't expect to never argue or fight. That's not natural. But, I'd love to have a happy home the majority of the time. Right now, we're both just not saying anything so we can keep the peace. And we're both exhausted by the effort.

I know a few of the places I've disappointed him. Our love languages are different (his are "physical touch" and "words of affirmation" while mine are "acts of service" and "quality time"), and I've never been good at speaking his. I've read a dozen books trying to figure out how to improve my libido and wake up our sex life. But, honestly, it's hard to do that when I'm angry all the time because he won't help out around the house and he won't give the romance I desire.

It's a classic case of "if he won't give me what I want, why should I give him what he wants?"

And I know it's childish. Marriage is supposed to be about giving. And I know that if I'd just give him what he needs, selflessly, without condition, he'd probably start giving me what I need. And vice versa.

With all I've learned about marriage over the years, I'd love to start over, because I have a feeling I'd do it differently. The thing is, there is no starting over. All the things that have been done and said are burned, indelibly, on both of our hearts. Forgiveness is key, and trust is in the balance.

Quite honestly, I don't know if he can or will forgive. I know I've said some horrible things over the years. And we've hurt each other many times.

But, I also know that relationships can be resilient. And if we truly are meant to be together, then we can wade through all of the crap and come out stronger for it. We'll never really forget the things we've done to one another. But, maybe we can use them constructively. I know I can...and I suppose I just have to let go of my worry that he won't. I truly don't have control over what he does.

He says he's tired...tired of fighting...tired of asking for what he needs...but that he's not too tired to try. I could say a similar thing.

So here's to slowly stepping my way back into my husband's arms -- learning to accept him for who he is now...learning how to admire his gifts and strengths, and show my appreciation for what he offers.

He's not perfect. Neither am I.

But, once upon a time, he was my prince...my knight in shining armor...the man I couldn't see myself living without. Somewhere, he's still in there.